Zero Readership

I'm having some rather strange and random urges in my quest to figure out what the hell i'm going to do with my life now. One thing that's been arising, and I have a sneaky and unfortunate suspicion about why, is moving to NYC.

I've never been particularly interested in NYC other than the simple fact that there are many stories, news and cultural attachments. I used to visit NYC 'back in the day', and enjoyed it, but it was a place that I was actually pretty adamant about not wanting to move to.

NYC is where the EX and I met, many years ago; I went for a long weekend trip, and she was going to college on Staten Island. We connected, kept in touch, visited each other in our respective places while we each finished school, and then decided to move in together. Her parents offered us jobs in their bussiness in Sacramento, CA, and so began my journey of living in the U.S.

My unfortunate suspicion as to why I have this slight urge to move to NYC, I believe, may have something to do with this history. The City was where the EX and I met. I have some very good memories of my times there; plays, the Staten Island Ferry, museums, Central Park etc, all the fun things we did together during our courtship. I wonder if that's playing with my subconscious, making me think along the lines of: NYC is a good place, you meet beautiful women there and have good times...go back...you'll meet somebody else...

This bothers me. For one, I'm not looking for somebody else right now. I need a big chunk of time dedicated just to me, and then we'll see. But by the time I move east I'm sure my opinion will be different, though.

NYC is also attractive in the sense of what a story it would be. I don't envision myself living there for long - one or two years - but I think it would be a great experience, maybe build some character or something.

As with many others in society, I do some of my most interesting thinking in the shower. Today, while cleansing myself, I contemplated 'geekdom' and whether or not I could be, or could have been, considered a 'geek'. What started it was my recent, new found, obsession with reading blogs - which of course led to my own here - which, in a way, could be described as geeky. Now, I've read blogs for awhile, but I was never obsessed by them as much as I am now. The closest I've come in the past was previous to the 2004 American presidential election, when I visited many political blogs, both conservative, liberal and centrist, to observe people's opinions and thoughts.

First stop was to Wikipedia, for a definition. The most important part of the definition is: A geek is a person who is fascinated, perhaps obsessively, by obscure or very specific areas of knowledge and imagination. I believe the term 'obsessive' is the most important parameter of the definition.

As is mentioned in at Wikipedia, 'geek' has evolved over the years. It is no longer likely to lead one to status as a social outcast. In fact, as opposed to when I grew up in the 70's and 80's, I often look on groups of people with a loudly screaming aura of 'we are geeks and proud of it!', and find myself admiring them; they know what they like and don't care what others think. Then again, perhaps it is a state of oblivion that leads them through their geeky lives and into harmonious bliss.

So I thought a little bit about my own life. Have I ever been, outwardly, a real, true to life geek? Probably.

I delved a little deeper and immediately my obsession with hockey, and more specifically the Toronto Maple Leafs came to mind. Back-in-the-day, I don't believe that anyone would call a sports fan, let alone a hockey fan, a geek, at least not to their face. But, Wikipedia specifically points out that one can be a 'sports geek'. Alright, so I'm a geek. Piss me off and I'll hip-check your ass through the boards.

Further self analyzation revealed a whole buffet of potentially geeky behaviour. I say potentially because I've never actually considered myself to be obsessed by these activities, I've always been more of a temporary traveller down the path. Here's a few things that might define me as a 'geek':

1. enjoyment of computer games - not so much on a console, as I prefer the vast, intense world of strategy games. I manage to find time to play a video game, if I'm lucky, once or twice a month. Video games are such a huge industry now adays, and people of all ages play, but obsession with games is still a geeky thing, I believe.

2. role-playing games. Ya I've played before, I'll admit it, but usually only for short periods of time. I actually think it's a neat form of entertainment and socializing with other creative minded people, but it has such a 'geeky nerd ner ner ner' attitude about it that I have resisted my interst in it. I've even played recently - some of the Ex's co-workers were into it - and had lots of fun, but with the divorce, it looks like I am once again a non-role player.

3. Comics. Of course when I was a wee lad growing up on the tough streets of Toronto, I read many an Iron Man, or Alpha Flight comic. When I reached middle-school/high-school age, I, of course, gave them up for other pursuits. In recent years, though I've been intersted in several 'Graphic Novels', which is a more accepted way of saying 'adult comicbook'. I've read Bone, and Sin City (after the movie came out), and think they are pretty damn creative, and enjoy the melding of art and story.

4. Sci-fi/Fantasy. Again, back in high-school, I read a lot of this type of writing. Yes, that probably did make me a 'geek' back then, and so be it. As I further matured, though and went to University, I moved away from this type of work, and into the more 'sophisticated' world of Hemmingway and Faulkner. On occasion I will secretly pull out one of my old fantasy novels and re-read it.

5. Xena/Buffy/X-files... I admit that I watched, and enjoyed these types of shows back in the 'coming-of-age-for-geeks 90s'. Once again, though, I was never obsessed. I watched the shows regularly for maybe a season or two, enjoying the story lines and fantasy based worlds, but that was it. My Ex, on the other hand, went to a Xena convention back when we were still dating. She proudly announced that she was one of the prettiest lasses at the event. Good for her!

So, yes, I suppose I do have a wealth of geek-like behaviour, perhaps enough so to make me offically a geek. Back in high-school being called a 'geek' was an intense diservice to your fellow scholar, today being called a 'geek' can often be a sign of acknowledgement of ones accomplishements and intelligence. Now, if I could only make myself obsessed with making lots of money, and be called a geek-millionaire, well, that's cool.

I've lived in apartments before - both high-rise style and complex style - and although I prefer having my own house, I must say that apartment living defintly brings one some interesting experiences, such as this one that I had just a little while ago (squeem inducing details to follow, turn back if sensitive):

First, I need to mention that my bathroom walls, apparently, arn't very sound proof. Today as I was in there 'taking care of bussiniess', I got a glimpse into the lifestyle of my neighbours. Apparently love was in the air - 'Butt-Pirate' style (Disclaimer - I've known gay men who have found this term 'Butt Pirate' to be particularly amusing and unoffensive. I appologise to anyone who is offended, but I'm under the impression that it's not such a bad term...unless it's one of those things that you can only say when you are actually gay...just like how only whities can call each other 'cracker'...'how's it going cracker', is how I greet my friends...but I'm white, so it's ok.

Being a hetro male I've never been witness to the carnel habits of gay men. In University I used to get hit on by guys - even roommates - but I was never interested enough to see what might happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for experimentation with roomates and best friends, especially during the college years, more especially if your roommate is female, but it just wasn't something that I was interested in pursuing.

So, there I am, doing my thing, and receiving and auditory display of male-on-male monkey sex. I have to admit, I was impressed!! There were loud 'thumps' coinciding with verbal 'ahhh's', and I think there was some dirty talk happening too, although I can't be positive since things were significantly muffled. I sensed there was a definate spike in energy comming from that apartment. I have to admit, I was a little jealous! At least my upstairs neighbour doesn't appear to have a boyfriend...i'd really hate to be witness to her late night sexual exploits. Thanks be for the little things.

Since i've recently been thrown back into the hood of bachelordom I figure i'm somewhat of an expert on how life for bachelors is different than that of married guys. Now, besides the obvious difference of 'having a spouse' and 'not having a spouse', there are some distinct lifestyle changes that are involved! Here's a few.

The Good

Food

I've always enjoyed PBJ's (peanut butter and Jam sandwiches), yes, even as an adult, i'm not ashamed to admit, but when married I always felt a twinge of guilt. I could hear my Ex's voice saying 'you could do better.' I disagree, sometimes a PBJ is perfect and needed.

Nowadays I find myself relishing several PBJ's a week, while the voice in my head goes, 'Needs more jam'.

Music

The Ex and I always had different opinions on music. I prefer 'good' music, she enjoys 'crap'. Score one of bachelordom.

Sex

I'm not dating, haven't had any one-night-stands, and don't really know anyone in the area anyway, and yet my sex life is much better than it was during the last couple years of marriage. :).

Being Lazy

I always used to feel guilty when just relaxing. According to my Ex, 'being relaxed is just the cousin of death'.

Neutral

T.V.

Even though I enjoy owning a T.V., I'm also happy with the fact that I no longer own a T.V. There are several shows that I enjoy - Lost, The Simpsons, Family Guy etc., - but now I get to avoid the annoyance I used to feel at all the hours wasted in front of the tube. What I do miss is the ability to watch my fine collection of DVD's. I also bought a good home theatre syster, but that was mainly for music.


Naughty

Apartment living.

The Ex and I bought a house together soon after moving to Oregon. I liked it - it was a great house. She kept the house when we split. I now live in an apartment.

Now, I actually like my apartment, it's a pretty good space, but there are things that I miss about house ownership. For the most part, I don't need to know what my neighbours are doing in their own private space. I don't need to know that my upstairs neighbour had to hit the head at 2 in the morning. I don't need to be awoken before my alarm clock goes off by neighbours clomping past my bedroom window.

I don't need to hear, after a party was broken up in the early hours of the day, a woman screaming at the police 'You made me bleed all over the floor,' or 'I know a good lawyer'. I kept praying that the police would hit her again.

Naked

I miss watching the Ex walk around our house naked. The cats try to make up for it, but it's just not the same.

Sex

Sometimes it would be nice to have a differernt, and somebody else's, body part wrapped around me.

Reasons to move to Ontario:

1. It's home.
2. To be closer to family and, perhaps, some old friends.
3. I miss it.
4. Hockey is god.
5. I love snow and bitter cold - that is when it first arrives.
6. Good outdoor activity options, as long as you dont' live in Toronto.
7. Close to my Grandparents - to be there if/when they need help.
8. Peterborough - where I went to Uni - is a cool town.
9. I'm a proud Canadian - with a red maple leaf tatoo'd on my shoulder.
10. Toronto has amazing museums - I'm biased, but I haven't been to any elsewhere that I like better.
11. Toronto is a world class city. (just dont' ask any Canadians outside of Toronto to acknowledge that).
12. People have retained the concept of polite behaviour (in a general population sense.)



Reasons not to move to Ontario:

1. Toronto is too bloody expensive - how the hell would I survive?
2. Close to my grandparents - I consciously, purposely moved from the area to establish my independance. Have I done enough? In some ways I still feel like a kid.
3. Heating bills are attrocious.
4. If I live in Toronto I'll never be able to afford a house - unless I turn to crime.
5. If I move back I fear that I will feel that my adventuring days are over. It would feel like the final statement. I'm not positive about this, but it's what I fear.
6. Taxes are a bitch.
7. It would cost apx $70 Canadian to fill up my Jeep.
8. Months of snow and cold. Huge snow storms in April get a little tiresome.
9. No oceans or Mountains within easy commute - although there is a pretty big lake nearby.

Reasons to stay in Oregon:

1. Great geography/outdoor recreational activities.
2. Portland is a cool city.
3. Eugene is strange/different (which I'm not yet sure is a good thing or not).
4. The challenge of starting from zero
5. It gets cold, but not that cold.
6. It gets hot, but not that hot.
7. From the Valley, the Pacific is only an hour away.
8. Eugene is a city with a small town feel.
9. If you can make it in Eugene, you can make it anywhere.
10. It's laid back in only the way the West Coast can be.
11. The act of actually moving (packing, finding a new place to live etc), especially far, far away, sucks.
12. Mountains and oceans - front and back yards.
13. Solid arts/culture community. People seem to truely appreciate and crave all aspects of art.
14. You can dress how you want and no one cares.


Reasons not to stay in Oregon: *most of these refer to Eugene. The situation in Portland is, I'm sure, vastly different.

1. Because my life has been hell since moving here.
2. People around here have a 'me first' attitude.
3. Oregon is not a hockey state.
4. Monoculture.
5. Good, but small museums in Eugene. Portland is different, though.
6. After two years you'd think I'd get the hint...
7. Job situation sucks!!
8. Both rednecks and hippies piss me off. Eugene is full of them.
9. Outside of work and volunteering at the Museum here, I have no one else I connect with. It's lonely.

Since this blog is supposed to be about my life after marriage, and how I cope with getting my life back in order after a series of defeats, I realize that I haven't updated my sitaution.

I've actually been feeling very good, very positive about myself this past week. I feel strong, even happy; I haven't been consistently happy with life for years. I believe I've had some low-grade depression for awhile now, perhaps for a very long time, so that makes my consistent, positive feeling of the past week a very, very good thing.

Even though I'm still saddened by the demise of my marriage, I also believe that I was feeling stagnated and smothered. I had wrapped myself up within my Ex and the marriage to too great an extent. Work was just an annoyance - something that took away from time that I could have been spending with Her. I despised having to work and would make any excuse to leave early and do what I could to limit my time there.

Yes, I loved her, and yes I still do, in some way, love her, but I'm starting to get some of my old, fun loving, love of life feeling back. Things feel better, look better (I smiled at all the colours and designs of the products in Wal-Mart), and, plain and simply, I feel GOOD.

At the very least I don't feel like crying every day while I sit in my apartment.

I've also been mulling over my future. I'm almost positive that I will be moving away from Eugene in the near future - probably in 5-6 months. I'm not definite about that, yet, but I'm having strong urges to either move back to North Carolina where I lived for 5 years, or move back to Canada, preferably Ontario or possibly the Maritimes.

I've been looking at some postings for education jobs in Museums throughout Canada. Now, I've been away from Home for almost a decade now, so I know things have changed, but man these jobs pay well!! Unforunately most of them appear to be part-time jobs, and I also know that $20 in Canada doesnt' go as far as it does in the U.S.

Anyway, right now I'm seriously giving thought to applying to some of these jobs and seeing what happens. I've reamained stagnat now, allowing my feelings and thoughts to simmer on the backburner of my subconscious, and I've allowed myself to do so figuring it's what I need right now, but it seems that I may be approaching some sort of decision.

I went to Wal-Mart the other day because I needed a pair of scissors and a sewing kit - scissors so I can cut the wrapping paper for the gifts I purchased for my family and the sewing kit for the holes in my pants pockets. As I was walking through the parking lot I found two $5 bills wrapped tightly up and well folded. 'Sweet,' I thought, and contemplated how I might spend my new found wealth, the top choice being treating myself to a good meal. Being a bachelor again means I'm back to my pre-marriage habit of foods that come in boxes and can be prepared in 10 minutes or less. I also eat veggies and fruits, but mine is a simple existence; that's not a bad thing.

I went into the store and did my shopping, and headed out right past a Salvation Army bell ringing person (do they have an official name?). I came to the decision that I would give the money to a worthy charity. I wasnt' losing anything, it wasn't my money to start with, it will hopefully help out somebody who can use a hand, it made me feel good to do it, and I figured, perhaps, some of the good feeling would somehow reach the person who lost the money in the first place; at least their loss wasn't a total waste.

I felt pretty good about myself for the rest of the day. I even felt pretty good about myself for my decision the next day while I was at work.

As I'm walking through the store I notice what looks like another wadded up piece of paper money under one of the animal habitats. Sure enough it is American currency - this time a $20 bill.

My first thought was towards what charity I should donate this money too so that the next day I will stumble across a $50 dollar bill. I actually haven't decided yet what I'm going to do with the money - I've thought about donating it, putting it towards a copy of 'The Writer's Market', or, again, treating myself to a nice meal. Well, I went ahead and had a nice meal yesterday, but I used my own funds for it. I still have the $20, and I'm still wondering what I should do with it..

...actually it has never left us.

The Plague, that monstrous sickness that swept Europe and beyond (actually it apparently came from China), during the 1300's has actually never gone away. There are three different types of plague, the most well known being 'Bubonic'. The plague is prevalent in rats, who were carries, and fleas from rats injested the bacteria and then transfered it to humans, which killed many, many people.

Why am I bothering with this deadly topic? Yesterday, at work, we discovered that we had a rat carrying the plague. Talk about an eye openner!! In typical defensive behaviour the jokes starting flying. Jim had the plague, I had the plague Rachael had the plague, everyone had the plague. It was actually pretty fun.

How can we get the plague in the 21st century? Basically because it's still out there, particularly in North America, in the American South West. More locally to me, rodents in Eastern Oregon do carry it. The upside is, is that Eastern Oregon is high elevation country, which means it's not a viable playground for fleas. This leads to the disease being relatively contained and not a huge threat. Every once in a while, though, campers and hikers may take a flea-ridden dog to the mountains for some R+R. Fleas may jump to a Plague carrying squirrel, which then may make its way back to the same, or another, dog, and then back down the mountain and into the valley; which is where I live.

Our vet was pretty excited by the plague filled rat: A curious man.

Personally, I had dreams all night that long strings of bacteria were growing from my fingers and I had to keep brushing them off.

Alright, this had nothing to do with divorce or life after divorce, but I thought it was an interesting experience.

As to that end, life has been stagnent for me lately, which I think is actually a good thing. I've been allowing both my consciousness and sub-conscious levels to delve into what my heart truely wants from life. My leanings continue towards moving back east, away from the bubonic hell that is Oregon, but I'm not absolutely positive yet that it's the best move. So, I'm taking it easy, living day to day, and allowing myself this time to build up my resources and get ready for the big leap that, I hope, is to come.

First off, a positve note; I saw the teaser for the upcomming (summer, 06) Shyamalan movie. I have to admit he's my favortie director of the day, I've enjoyed all his entries so far. So, that's all I want to know, is that he does indeed have another movie comming out, and now I don't want to know another darn thing about it until my seat is comfortably in the movie theater, big bag of popcorn on my lap and the reel is rolling.

Secondly, I've made some discoveries about me at work this past week. As I mentioned this blog is me dealing with the aftereffects of my divorce. Part of that is changing and working on me. I understand that part of the reason divorce happened was mine. I wonder if my ex would take part of the responsibility too?

As I've mentioned I'm working a job I don't particularly enjoy, at a nationally owned pet store. Now, most of my jobs have dealt with either, or both, of children or animals. Petco is no exception; obviously we have animals, but sometimes we also give tours to school groups. Just the other day our manager, due to frequently re-occuring aches and pains, left early and neglected to tell anyone that we had a school group arriving later that afternoon.

Enter about 20 smiling, laughing and excited first graders. Since my background is in education, my co-workers were more than happy to call me up to the front of the store and let me take care of the 'problem'.

My first reaction was 'Shit, why me! I don't want to do this,' which is my typical reaction when confronted with something out of the blue. Once I let that thought roll out of the way, though, reality shone through. I have plentiful experience working with children of all ages, so this is nothing new. I used to perform animal shows for the Museum, as well as work at a zoo and currently working at a pet store, so i'm pretty familiar with animals. Put the two together and I'm pretty good at leading an educational tour for a group of first graders. Besides, my presentational style kicks ass :). I shrugged my shoulders and went for it.

It felt good. I asked them questions, I remained positive, I engaged and challenged them, while at the same time showing them some neat things. It brought back a lot of old feelings, very good feelings that I used to get from my old job when performing in front of a group. I had their attention from the beginning and I was able to keep it for an hour.

This made me realize that, perhaps, i've been avoiding the truth; that my true calling is in education. After undergrad I took a yearlong course in Museum Studies. One of the courses was 'Education', which was the class I most dreaded. Part of our requirement was to, in a group, design a program and then actually lead a class. My group worked with an outdoor education center. When all was said and done, my teacher called me a 'natural'. It felt good. I've rarely been called a 'natrual' by someone I respect.

Since then I've been working for schools, musuems and zoo's, always in education. Ten years ago if you had of asked me if my career would have been in education, I would have laughed and laughed and ....

So, my point is, I've decided to look into getting a degree in education, and really consider this as a 'true' path, although it really has been my career path up until this point, I haven't embraced it. I've always thought that there was something else for me over the horizon; something better. But, maybe this is it. That's not such a bad thing.

A second discovery at work:

Usually I"m a very passive person. At work I usually prefer to focus on my given task and attempt to avoid customers as much as possible, which is stupid since we are a customer service organization. Customers are annoying, though. One day I'll have to write about some of my experiences with them.

When I'm in avoidance mood, it can often trigger resentment and anger when customers dare bother me with their petty problems. I dont' like feeling angry for this reason since it is a very shallow and unnecessary reason to be upset, and so I end up getting pissed off at myself, leading to an unending downward spiral.

Recently I've been working on stopping the spiral using a simple solution; becomming proactive. Instead of cursing customers out in my head and warning them away from me, and ending up having a bad interaction with them, I've been working on approaching and talking with every customer I see, even when I'm in the middle of something else. This way I'm in control and I have made the decision to start the interaction. It makes me feel so much better, and makes my time with customers so much more positive, and , I"m sure, makes the customer feel better too. It's a win-win situation if there ever was one.

Key word for this week, children, 'proactive...or is it...pro-active...