Sunday, May 07, 2006
Death
My original intention was to post about my new digital camera, and to post some pictures. I was pretty excited about this; I used to do my own darkroom work back in NC, but, as with many aspects of my life, haven't done anything with the hobby since moving to Oregon.
Instead I want to purge a little - I need somewhere to vent and to organize my thoughts/feelings, so I might as well use Zero Readership to do so.
I called my Grandparents, just a routine call to say hello and talk for awhile. The big news was that one of my uncles just passed away.
It wasn't exactly shocking as he's been sick for quite awhile now and his health has been slowly deteriorating, but the news still managed to slug me across the head with a nice right-hook. The Uncle who passed-away is a great-uncle, a brother to my Grandmother. Although I haven't spoken to my Uncle in something like 3 years, he was a very important part of my upbringing and an influential person in shaping me into a man.
With his passing and realizing that it has been 3 years since I've spoken with him, I started to contemplate the 'what the hell am I doing with my life?' question in a different light.
Why haven't I made more effort to go back and see him? I knew he was very sick, I knew I should probably go see him, yet I a part of me always figured he would be there when I returned. Why didn't I care enough to make any effort?
Then again we haven't been close for so long that is it such a huge deal?
The fact that I'm not close with any of my family started to sink in. This makes me very sad. It's very difficult for me to connect with other people, but you'd think I'd still have fondness for my family members - which I do, to an extent - yet, I really don't feel very close to my family at all. How many of them bothered to call me after learning about my divorce?
I've spent my life running away from my life in hopes of finding my life. I can't say that this path has been a success.
Before I can go back to Canada I need to renew my passport. I've known this for a long time, but have'nt done anything about it. After the news about the death of my Uncle I pulled out the passport application form. At least that's one positive step.
Yet, I find my motivation to start working on it very low. Why? I need to go back NOW!! I need to get this frick'n passport done and yet I don't want to work on it right now. 'I'll do it later," I say.
One thing I will do tonight, though, is perform a ceremony for my Uncle. I don't know why I feel strongly about doing this, but I know that I need to. Very early this morning, around 3-4am, I'm going to go to a near-by park. I'm going to bring a candle with me and light it and think about my Uncle and what he meant/means to me. I'll think about the lessons he taught me. I will wish him well.
I'm not sure why I want to do this thing at a very strange hour. I suppose that it feels right, that it will feel like a sacrifice that I should make in his memory. I feel that I need to make some type of sacrifice against myself in order to be true to my feelings.
In many ways this feels like an important step for me. I'm scared about falling asleep or deciding not to do this thing. If I do it, I think that I will pass through some kind of boundary that's been holding me back - back from what I'm not sure. If I don't do it, my life will be more of the same.
Yeah, it's overly dramitc, but I lose nothing in trying. I lose nothing by doing this except for some hours of sleep.
Instead I want to purge a little - I need somewhere to vent and to organize my thoughts/feelings, so I might as well use Zero Readership to do so.
I called my Grandparents, just a routine call to say hello and talk for awhile. The big news was that one of my uncles just passed away.
It wasn't exactly shocking as he's been sick for quite awhile now and his health has been slowly deteriorating, but the news still managed to slug me across the head with a nice right-hook. The Uncle who passed-away is a great-uncle, a brother to my Grandmother. Although I haven't spoken to my Uncle in something like 3 years, he was a very important part of my upbringing and an influential person in shaping me into a man.
With his passing and realizing that it has been 3 years since I've spoken with him, I started to contemplate the 'what the hell am I doing with my life?' question in a different light.
Why haven't I made more effort to go back and see him? I knew he was very sick, I knew I should probably go see him, yet I a part of me always figured he would be there when I returned. Why didn't I care enough to make any effort?
Then again we haven't been close for so long that is it such a huge deal?
The fact that I'm not close with any of my family started to sink in. This makes me very sad. It's very difficult for me to connect with other people, but you'd think I'd still have fondness for my family members - which I do, to an extent - yet, I really don't feel very close to my family at all. How many of them bothered to call me after learning about my divorce?
I've spent my life running away from my life in hopes of finding my life. I can't say that this path has been a success.
Before I can go back to Canada I need to renew my passport. I've known this for a long time, but have'nt done anything about it. After the news about the death of my Uncle I pulled out the passport application form. At least that's one positive step.
Yet, I find my motivation to start working on it very low. Why? I need to go back NOW!! I need to get this frick'n passport done and yet I don't want to work on it right now. 'I'll do it later," I say.
One thing I will do tonight, though, is perform a ceremony for my Uncle. I don't know why I feel strongly about doing this, but I know that I need to. Very early this morning, around 3-4am, I'm going to go to a near-by park. I'm going to bring a candle with me and light it and think about my Uncle and what he meant/means to me. I'll think about the lessons he taught me. I will wish him well.
I'm not sure why I want to do this thing at a very strange hour. I suppose that it feels right, that it will feel like a sacrifice that I should make in his memory. I feel that I need to make some type of sacrifice against myself in order to be true to my feelings.
In many ways this feels like an important step for me. I'm scared about falling asleep or deciding not to do this thing. If I do it, I think that I will pass through some kind of boundary that's been holding me back - back from what I'm not sure. If I don't do it, my life will be more of the same.
Yeah, it's overly dramitc, but I lose nothing in trying. I lose nothing by doing this except for some hours of sleep.
