Thursday, February 16, 2006
Safe
I've been thinking about a comment that 'completlybrunette' made recently. In fact I've been contemplating it pretty much daily since I read it.
It was in response to my mentioning that I might just up and quit my current job as motivation to move forward in my life:
".you seem to like to be "safe" and so I guess I'd keep looking and not quit..."
Admittedly, this bothers me. Specifically, the 'safe' comment. Although I will aggresively deny that I am a 'safe' person, I actually think that Completelybrunette is onto something. (Please, completelybrunnet, dont' take this as a smack down on your opinion, because I think what you said is true, that today I do like to completely take it safe, and that is an example of how much my life has changed and how much my marriage changed me. Perhaps I am wrong, but I think that at least a little bit of it is right).
Before I married the EX, I was in no way, shape, or form 'safe'. My knickname in Uni was 'funguy'. I was the guy who made the rules. I was the guy who challenged my friends to fun and exciting and moronic undertakings. I was the guy who said things like, when we went slumming in rural communities outside of my little Uni town, "first one to pick up a local wins free beers all night." I was the one to suggest to my first year roomy that streaking through the quad was a great idea. (of course, after he did it, he raved about how great it was so that me and the other guys had to give it a shot, but when we did the ladies in the dorm stole all our clothes and we had to roam around naked and beg for them back during the dead of winter). I was the one when I was 19 who handled bouncers with skill and was able to get the underage 18 yr old chicks into clubs (drinking age in Ontario is 19). I was the one to convince my dormmates to each write a letter on their butt and then trounce out through the snow in front of my secret-santa victims window with 'm-e-r-r-y-x-m-a-s-s' writen on our respective ass cheeks and moon her with our seasonal greetings message of joy.
Admitedly there are things I'd rather not talk about either. I broke some laws in high-school, I don't think I broke any laws in Uni, although I did get ticketed for drinking in public giving all my 'friends' a chance to run away, and while relieving myself after a rather boisterous evening at the 'Pig's Ear', in a mainstreet doorway no less. and hearing someone say "son, put that thing away." and I was like, what the fuck, I have to piss, and so I turn to the street and there sitting in his squad car is a local cop who says, 'stop peeing in that doorway' and I say, 'yessir' and put my thing away.
I wore ripped up cargo shorts to my serious girlfriends parents dinner because nobody could tell me how to dress and my boxer shorts were exposed through the rips and I didn't care and I knew and I was doing it all on purpose because I was expressing my 'independance'.
No, I'm not proud of all the crap that I accomplished in those years, and yes, I wish that I had been more studious and serious and more of a student, but after the crap I had to put up with before Uni, I'd say I was pretty restrained.
And yes, today I am, 'safe', agggghhh. I am. I hate it, and I admit it, and it's true. I, as we all do, sold out somewhere along the line. I lost, and I am ashamed.
It was in response to my mentioning that I might just up and quit my current job as motivation to move forward in my life:
".you seem to like to be "safe" and so I guess I'd keep looking and not quit..."
Admittedly, this bothers me. Specifically, the 'safe' comment. Although I will aggresively deny that I am a 'safe' person, I actually think that Completelybrunette is onto something. (Please, completelybrunnet, dont' take this as a smack down on your opinion, because I think what you said is true, that today I do like to completely take it safe, and that is an example of how much my life has changed and how much my marriage changed me. Perhaps I am wrong, but I think that at least a little bit of it is right).
Before I married the EX, I was in no way, shape, or form 'safe'. My knickname in Uni was 'funguy'. I was the guy who made the rules. I was the guy who challenged my friends to fun and exciting and moronic undertakings. I was the guy who said things like, when we went slumming in rural communities outside of my little Uni town, "first one to pick up a local wins free beers all night." I was the one to suggest to my first year roomy that streaking through the quad was a great idea. (of course, after he did it, he raved about how great it was so that me and the other guys had to give it a shot, but when we did the ladies in the dorm stole all our clothes and we had to roam around naked and beg for them back during the dead of winter). I was the one when I was 19 who handled bouncers with skill and was able to get the underage 18 yr old chicks into clubs (drinking age in Ontario is 19). I was the one to convince my dormmates to each write a letter on their butt and then trounce out through the snow in front of my secret-santa victims window with 'm-e-r-r-y-x-m-a-s-s' writen on our respective ass cheeks and moon her with our seasonal greetings message of joy.
Admitedly there are things I'd rather not talk about either. I broke some laws in high-school, I don't think I broke any laws in Uni, although I did get ticketed for drinking in public giving all my 'friends' a chance to run away, and while relieving myself after a rather boisterous evening at the 'Pig's Ear', in a mainstreet doorway no less. and hearing someone say "son, put that thing away." and I was like, what the fuck, I have to piss, and so I turn to the street and there sitting in his squad car is a local cop who says, 'stop peeing in that doorway' and I say, 'yessir' and put my thing away.
I wore ripped up cargo shorts to my serious girlfriends parents dinner because nobody could tell me how to dress and my boxer shorts were exposed through the rips and I didn't care and I knew and I was doing it all on purpose because I was expressing my 'independance'.
No, I'm not proud of all the crap that I accomplished in those years, and yes, I wish that I had been more studious and serious and more of a student, but after the crap I had to put up with before Uni, I'd say I was pretty restrained.
And yes, today I am, 'safe', agggghhh. I am. I hate it, and I admit it, and it's true. I, as we all do, sold out somewhere along the line. I lost, and I am ashamed.
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You knew I would comment, right? I have to say, that I, likewise, was once upon a time NOT into safety. I was the cruise director before marriage...the one who put together all the fun - usually involving illegal substances or obnoxious behavior. I remember a friend of mine - her name was Anne ..consistently said to me "(My name), I just don't think that's a GOOD IDEA." And somehow when I remember her voice, it is incredibly whiny. I personally think we should have had even more fun because it was such a brief period before life got SERIOUS. But that's just me.
I think as adults we all push against the constraints of culture and money and responsibility. I, personally, can't wait till my kids are all grown and I can sell this stupid house (it feels like a lead ball at my feet) and join the Peace Corps for two years.
So don't feel bad. You aren't alone. Hang in there. I firmly believe that senility exists strictly so we can forget all this garbage and behave like children again. But that's another topic...And damnit, that's why we got married, right? So we could run and play with someone, with our best friend, when no one was looking?
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I think as adults we all push against the constraints of culture and money and responsibility. I, personally, can't wait till my kids are all grown and I can sell this stupid house (it feels like a lead ball at my feet) and join the Peace Corps for two years.
So don't feel bad. You aren't alone. Hang in there. I firmly believe that senility exists strictly so we can forget all this garbage and behave like children again. But that's another topic...And damnit, that's why we got married, right? So we could run and play with someone, with our best friend, when no one was looking?
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